Thursday, April 17, 2014

The old man and his bowels (a poem)

I said, "I'm worried
Your blood pressure continues to raise."
The old man said,
"I haven't pooped in three days!"
I said, "I'm worried about hardening
Of your arterial walls."
The old man said,
"My stool is hard little balls."
I said, "I've got a new medication for you
That will help your blood sugar to improve."
The old man said, "That's good.
Will it also help my bowels move?"
I said, "Do you have a question
On a topic we touched upon?"
The old man said, "Yes
Where is the john?"

(I know nobody liked my last poem, but I had one more left I'd written and what else am I supposed to do with it?

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Dr. Orthochick: Follow up

So lately when you present a case in conference, there's been a push to get us to have at least 6 months of follow up on the patient. I understand the logic behind that, because you usually don't know if the surgery was a good idea or not until 6 months after the fact, but it's a pain to get 6 months of data because i usually don't see the patient back in clinic after the surgery. So I need to drive to one of the outpatient clinics and ask if I can look through their office notes. And since I didn't see the patient at the time, if someone asks me a question about what the patient looked like at the follow up, I can't answer it, so it's pretty useless. If the note just said "she is doing well," then I don't really know how that helps anyone do anything. Also, it means i can only present stuff I did 6 months ago, which seriously, I don't remember what i did yesterday. And then if someone asks me a question about something that happened intra-operatively 6 months ago, then no, I do not remember. (Also, if it was 6 months ago, there's a good chance I didn't know or wasn't paying attention in the first place.)

So I've been trying to find creative ways around this since i have to give a presentation every week and no way in hell am I spending my free time driving around town trying to find follow up notes.

Me: ...and here are the intraoperative xrays. They show--
Dr. Douche: Why do you only have the intraoperative xrays? We need at least 6 months of follow up! I urge you residents to have 6 months of follow up before giving a presentation. I think it is your responsibility as a surgeon to have adequate follow up on the cases you do.
Me: Uh, I'll explain it in a second, thanks.

My next slide said "Pt died the following day"

Me: So that's my 6 months of follow up
Dr. Sportsfem: How does that count as 6 months of follow up if she died the following day?
Me: Fine. Then as my dad would say, she's decaying quite nicely.

My department and welcome to it.

Monday, April 14, 2014

More fun with pharmacy

Why did the pharmacist say this order was unacceptable:

Saturday, April 12, 2014

Weekly Whine: How long is too long?

Yesterday I walked into a patient's room and she was talking on her cell phone. I told her that I would come back later but she waved at me to indicate that she was almost done.

So I waited

and I waited

I don't want to tell you how long I waited but by the end when she finally got off the phone I was pretty pissed off.

So how long is a reasonable amount of time to wait for patient to get off their goddamn cell phone?

Thursday, April 10, 2014

Confused (a poem)

"Doctor, I believe your patient going home today
Is a bit more confused."

"Nurse, tell me why you think so
Please don't think me rude"

"Well, I asked him where he was today
He said he was on a cruise
He didn't say what kind it was
But hinted there would be booze
I asked him the name of the President
And he said it was 'some black dude.'
Then his tray of lunch arrived
And he said he didn't want food.
Instead he threw the contents of his tray
On Mrs. Smith, who is being transfused.
Except for the peanut butter and jelly
Which he spread on his body nude.
And now he's up on top of the roof
Dancing to Huey Lewis and the News."

"Nurse, I appreciate your concern
But I don't share your views.
Yes, I think he'll still go home today
That diagnosis has not been proved."

"Send him home if you'd like, Doctor
It's you who will be sued."

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Dr. Orthochick: Bone(r) Health

Dr. Sportsfem: Order a set of bone health labs on her. departs
Me: OK, so I know that's TSH, PTH, free T4, ionized it 1,25-Dihydroxy Vitamin D or just 25-Dihydroxy Vitamin D?
Co-resident: I don't know. You're doing better than I am with these.
Me: No, you're probably better at this. Because every time I see or hear "bone health," my first thought is "boner health" and then I start giggling and I can't actually concentrate on learning about bone health.

For the rest of the morning, whenever my co-resident dictated "bone health,' I whispered "boner health." I'm sure he loves doing clinic with me.

Seriously though, does anyone see "bone health" and not immediately think "boner health?" I'm the same way with a "bone stimulator," my first thought is "boner stimulator." I would be more annoyed with myself for not knowing anything about bone health, but I am probably more interested in bones than the average person and I still think boner health sounds a lot more interesting and a lot more important in the grand scheme of things.

Monday, April 7, 2014

Fun with Pharmacy

Our pharmacy is completely crazy.

They call us constantly, sometimes about things that are legitimate and sometimes not so much. I think everyone I know has lost their temper at a pharmacist at least once.

Anyway, we play game where every time we get called by the pharmacist about an order to try to make other people guess what the problem with the order was. See how you fare at this game:

Sunday, April 6, 2014


On Monday, April 7, The Devil Wears Scrubs will be on sale for only $.99 again! Please buy a copy!

Thursday, April 3, 2014

Good guess

Patient: "I have that disease .. You know, the one that affects your knees and feet."

Amazingly I guessed it on my second try!

(You can have three guesses.)

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Dr. Orthochick: Locked in

Me: hangs up phone

Dr. Dream: What the hell was that about?

Me: I put in an order for a patient to have a foley put in in the recovery room. but they just paged me and told me that they can't do it because her knees are, and I quote, "locked together." According to the nurse, the patient said that her knees are always locked together and she needs to sleep with a pillow between them. So then the nurse yelled at me for not putting a foley in when the patient was in the OR because apparently I should have known that her knees are locked together when she's awake. So I asked how the patient walked and then nurse was mad at me for being obnoxious. I thought it was a legit question. I know she walks, so how the hell does she do that if her knees are permanently locked together?

Dr. Dream: My first question wouldn't have been about how she walked

Me: Heh, yeah. Good point. Poor lady.

Dr. Dream: Poor husband.