Friday, April 29, 2011

Med school experience

I didn't have the energy to turn this into a cartoon.....

I propose that all pre-meds, as part of their coursework undergo a class entitled "The Med School Experience." These will be the components of the class:

Overview of the Med School Experience:

1) Students will be forced to take a full courseload in addition to this course

2) Students will carry a pager with them at all times and will receive no less than 20 pages in any given evening, at least 25% of which will be during dinner hours and the other 25% during sleep.

3) Pages will by made by teaching assistants, who will be asking permission when they want to eat, go to the bathroom, or go to sleep. If the teaching assistants wake up during the night, they must page the students for permission to go back to sleep. If any injury is sustained, such as a papercut, the students must go to the teaching assistant's room to evaluate it.

4) Students will wake up every morning at 4AM and have to report to a designated location by 4:30AM, where they will have to stand in one place holding a metal object for 5 to 6 hours. If they move at all, they will be berated for several minutes, sent out of the room to wash their hands 100 times, then come back and continue holding the metal object.

5) During regular daily courses and sections, students must remain standing at all times.

6) Every four nights, students will stay awake all night. Every few hours, the student will be paged and an angry, smelly, drunken man will read them a page from the encyclopedia, which they must memorize. At noon the next day, the students will be quizzed extensively on the pages from the encyclopedia in front of a group of their peers.

7) Every day or so, a student will be paged to speak to a parent of a teaching assistant who will yell at them continuously for about 20 minutes for all the problems they've had with their child over the years.

8) If for any reason, a student is sick and cannot fulfill his duties, he must pass on his pager to another student, who must take on double responsibilities for that night.

9) All meals must be finished in ten minutes or less.

10) Students will have two opportunities during the day to go to the bathroom. Before going, students must ask the permission of a teaching assistant. On their way to the bathroom and while inside the bathroom, they will be paged repeatedly. If they don't return those pages within one minute, they will be in danger of failing the course.

11) There will be only four days off per month. One of those days will be the first day of the month and one will be the last, so they will otherwise work 14 days in a row.

12) At some point during the course, students will be dumped by their significant other or undergo some other personal tragedy. At that time, their grades in all their other course will automatically drop to 65 and they will require at least an 80 average on their next set of exams in order to keep from repeating the entire year.

13) Every day, students will give foot massages to the members of whatever athletic team has been playing the longest, sweatiest game that day.

15 comments:

  1. That is freakin' brilliant (and hilarious)

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  2. Ahahaha, wow. So glad I decided to work with machines.

    Oddly the one that got me the most was #9. Taking time to eat (which is usually not very long) is one of the few times I can't stand to be interrupted. It's like my 'me time'.

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  3. 14) Before starting the class, the students must spend a month memorizing the owner's manual for a 1989 Zastava Koral, including a list of all the component parts. This information will never be used during the course, but will feature predominantly on the final exam. No one will tell them this.

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  4. That's hysterical. I'm sure most would fail.

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  5. Good stuff. So asking as an RN, I try not to page anyone between noon and one. Is there any other downtimes to avoid?

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  6. Oh, God...I am SO glad that I didn't go to med school (not that I could've passed about 90% of the courses that it would've required to get in anyway. Oh, and my extreme dislike of touching people. And bodily functions).

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  7. Isn't this a re-post? This seems very familiar.

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  8. this sounds a lot like boot camp (basic training) wow

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  9. @Brit -- I think you're right. Maybe this was over at MiM?

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  10. Brit, OMDG: I wrote it years ago actually and I once posted it as a comment at MiM. I didn't think anyone remembered :)

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  11. You've described life on the floors to a tee, except records from my hospital's paging system indicate the two on-call interns field 156 pages per overnight shift. And that's while we're trying to admit patients. It's quite the grind.

    Can we change foot massage clause to benefit the tired and irritable interns at the end of each day? I'd be happy to soak my feet in bad smell to help acquaint them with the rigors of the job...

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  12. I didn't read your first line properly and thought you said that this WAS a pre-med class already. As I was reading, I was all, "What the hell is wrong with people? It's illegal to haze pre-meds!" Ha! What is not illegal, however, is the hazing of interns. Carry on, Fizzy. Carry on. :)

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  13. The pager is a diabolical invention created by a sadist.

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  14. If this were a universally required prereq you would notice a horrifying drop in med school applications...

    The whole thing made me ROFLMAO

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  15. Well done! Described very accurately. How I survived I will never know

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