Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Dr. Orthochick: Sexy Time

My patient yesterday was really starting to make me uncomfortable. And we spent a significant amount of quality time together because I had to do a dressing change on him and pretty much the exact second I finished it, the attending walked in and undid everything to look at the wound and then told me to re-dress it. (He also neglected to say "please" or "thank you.")

Patient: You are such a cutie.

Me: Uh, thanks

Patient: No, I mean it. I always wanted to marry a beautiful young girl like you.

Me: Bend your elbow a little more.

Patient: So I'm getting discharged today, right?

Me: Yup

Patient: I don't think I have a ride home

Me: I'll talk to social work about it.

patient: Why don't you just give me a ride home?

Me: Because I have to stay at work for a while longer

Patient: I'll wait for you. And if it's easier, we can go back to your place and I can just stay there for a while.

Me: I don't think that's going to work out too well.

Patient: Why not? I can keep you up all night if you want.

Me: Straighten out your fingers.

Patient: So why can't I go home with you? I'm really trying to court you, in case you haven't noticed.

Me: OK, one more layer of ace wrap and then we're done

Patient: I just want to live with you. We don't have to have sex right away if you don't want. But I bet you haven't had really good sex for a while.

Me: OK, don't get the bandage wet. See you later.

Patient: So we're not going to have sex at your place? Do you want to have sex here?

Me: Have a good afternoon.

I was telling a male resident friend about this and he said he was jealous because his patients never seemed to want to have sex with him. I told him if he wanted my married hepatitis-C positive unemployed heroin addict without teeth and status-post flesh-eating bacteria infection, he was more than welcome to him.

As for me, I really think I can do a little bit better.

7 comments:

  1. Just another perk of the job!

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  2. Had that happen to me too, but actually as a med student.

    One guy got a lecture from my male resident: 'Listen, buddy, you can call her 'Doctor' and if you're going to be disrespectful I will have you removed from the ED'. That was after I informed the patient that he could dream on.

    Funniest was the young guy at neuro who had a loss of sensibility near the groin area, but really tried to chat me up. He was also very keen to undress and sat there (luckily in underwear...) displaying himself. I ignored it, but decided to have my supervisor do the physical. She didn't mind after I told her the story, and was extra grouchy towards him.

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  3. well aren't you snobby

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  4. What bothers me is how patients are allowed to sexually harass female physicians like this and get away with it....

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  5. yep, had a guy ask for my number right after swabbing his urethra for std's... ick.

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  6. You missed quite a catch there, didn't you?

    I once had a 300lb guy in a wheel chair ask me to marry him in the middle of a grocery store. I informed him I was already married-he said he didn't mind.

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  7. So what's the best way for me to tell a coworker that she looks great?

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