Thursday, July 12, 2018


My mother: "How long do you cook spaghetti after the water comes to a boil?"

Me: [baffled that my 70-year-old mother doesn't know how to make spaghetti]

Mom: "Well, I never make spaghetti!"

If it were someone else, I would worry they were getting demented, but it's actually the kind of question my mother asks me not infrequently.  Like she's never sure how to calculate the tip in restaurants.  And she didn't know what a pinata was.

I finally told her to look at the box, which said 10 minutes, but she insisted that wasn't usually that long.  Although I don't understand how it can "usually" not be that long if she "never" cooks spaghetti.  I asked and she said:

"I cooked it once a long time ago."

I can just see my kids writing stuff like this about me someday.  They already gave me a hard time for not knowing which produce qualifies as fruits.  (How could a zucchini be a fruit????)

Tuesday, July 10, 2018

The Mosquito Bite

I don't know what it is, but it feels like as I've gotten older, mosquito bites have been getting itchier.

Last week, I got a mosquito bite on my elbow.  It immediately started driving me totally insane.  I read somewhere that toothpaste helps with the itchiness, so I smeared that all over it, which everyone in my household informed me was "really weird."  Then I used witch hazel pads to ease the itch.  I was bad enough that it was waking me up at night.

My husband: "Why don't you just use calamine lotion?"

Me: "We don't have any in the house."

Actually though, it turned out we had TWO bottles of it, which I've been using religiously ever since.  It's a lot less messy than toothpaste.  I also tried liquid bandaid, which burned so much, I had to wash it off immediately.

I have to say, I think the elbow must be one of the worst places to get a mosquito bite.  After the penis, I suppose.