Back in residency, one of my patients has a pressure ulcer on his bottom that was keeping him in bed. He came up with the following solution: "Why don't you just duct tape it up??"
"What?" I said.
"Just put a piece of duct tape over it. Then it'll be fine."
I know men think they can duct tape everything to fix it, but it's probably not the best pressure ulcer dressing.
After we talked him out of the duct tape, he gave it a little more thought and then suggested that we put cow balm on it.
What's cow balm, you ask? It's some sort of balm that they apparently use to heal wounds on cows. I'm not kidding. He claimed that stuff is a miracle and that it works just as well on people as it does on cows. He also said that instead of the expensive IV Zosyn (a type of penicillin) we're giving him, he could just get a huge bottle of penicillin for cows that will cost like ten bucks.
"Don't tell me it's not the same medication!" he said.