Horoscopes for Med Students

I wrote this in med school for our humor magazine:

Aries: Since you are still just a student, it doesn't bother you that your patients don't call you doctor, although you wish they wouldn't call you Spanky.

Taurus: The stars predict that today is a good day to learn how to give a rectal exam.

Gemini: Despite what you may believe, doctors (much less medical students) are not gods, so stop trying to smite your enemies with plagues.

Cancer: You will become an oncologist, in one last desperate attempt to change your astrological sign.

Leo: At first you will be horrified to discover you have shown up for your exam naked. Then you will make the happy discovery that this adjustment improves your scores, while significantly decreasing the scores of the people around you.

Virgo: Although the library may be a good place to study, try to remember that you are not permitted to shower there.

Libra: Your classmates are not so upset by the fact that your latest class transcript is 50 pages long as they are by the fact that it is 50 pages of the sentence "All work and no play make me go crazy," and that it is identical to your last two transcripts.

Scorpio: While some people may say that the hospital is a metaphorical "battlefield", it is still inappropriate for you to carry around a samurai sword.

Sagittarius: Fortunately, your fear of blood is limited to histological slides of erythrocytes.

Capricorn: Thanks to your basic life support training, you will be able to save a small plastic doll from choking.

Aquarius: Despite what you may have been told, open heart surgery can never be performed "off the record."

Pisces: The stars indicate that medicine is not really the career for you. They suggest belly dancing.