Is there anything more frustrating than when you're having an argument with someone about, say, parenting in medicine, and they other person says to you that "you have no idea what it's like to be a parent"?
I mean, how do you respond to that? Not only is it really condescending, but it shuts down the conversation entirely.
Now that I'm on the other side of things, I really try not to ever say that because I remember how obnoxious it was. But the truth is, it's difficult. Because sometimes you're talking to someone and you realize that they really have no clue what they're talking about. And it's frustrating. So it slips out.
You may recall a post when I was still pregnant where I vowed (to try to) never say those words. I think I found them frustrating because I may not have *actually* understood what it was like before, but I really did try. And also, as you said, it's condescending.
ReplyDeleteOn the other hand, I OFTEN have to stop myself in the act of almost saying it now, because, well, people without kids say really really dumb things to parents all the damn time. If I get one more, "Why don't you just [insert really dumb idea here]," my head just may explode.
It IS really hard not to say that. I genuinely think having kids is one of those things where you really don't have any idea what it's like till you have them. And it's frustrating when people won't acknowledge that's true.
DeleteI don't have kids. But I do have a life threatening chronic illness. I realize how bitchy I must sound when I occasionally tell someone they have no idea what it's like to be in my shoes, so I try not to do it. But honestly I sometimes want to tear the heads off of people who tell me to consider holistic medicine, or go see their chiropractor, or offer some other completely useless "advice". They clearly have no idea how idiotic they sound.
ReplyDeleteI used to hate the "you have no idea what..." comment when speaking of children. I don't personally have any, but I'm the oldest of a number of siblings and 20 years older than the youngest so I always figured I had a good handle on kids. From tiny tots to teenagers...
ReplyDelete...Then someone put a baby in my hands. Baby was post-ictal and lethargic and I learned something: I have no idea what it's like :). I only have a small idea about healthy kids I can give back to mom when I start getting stressed or board. Needless to say, when someone starts something with "you have no idea..." I nod and agree!
I have a much younger sibling that I sort of have a parent/child relationship, so that used to make me feel like I know what it's like to have a kid. Nope, totally wrong.
DeleteAs a pediatrician, I can honestly say that half of the mothers in my practice seem to have no idea what it's like to be a parent. They have no idea how much (or even what formula) their infants take, whether they spit up, if they sleep through the night, etc. It blows me away.
ReplyDeleteA friend of mine once got mad at me for saying, "I know I don't have kids of my own, but..."
ReplyDeleteHe (a parent of three) said that the idea that "you don't have kids, so you don't understand" is one of the stupidest things he hears out of adult mouths, about children. He points out that everyone has an opinion on something, and you need to hear it out before deciding whether it has validity. But outright dismissing someone because of something have or haven't done is foolish.
For most of the years that I lived in a previous city I didn't have a car. Yet I knew in great detail how to get around the city, to the point where even after I moved away some of the college kids I knew would call me up for directions somewhere (GPSes were still fairly expensive; they called it "GPS by Moose"). I could tell people short cuts and describe details about street corners with ease.
The idea that I couldn't know my way around town because I didn't own a car is as silly as the idea that I don't know anything about children because I've never given birth and raised a child for its whole life.
Well, that's nice for your friend, but the fact that you compared being a parent to knowing how to get around town illustrates what we're talking about perfectly.
DeleteDo you also provide parenting suggestions to parents, only to insist the parents are being difficult /don't know what they're doing if they don't immediately hug you and thank you for your useful suggestion?
It's not that non-parents understand nothing, it's that they often act like they think they understand everything.
I'm not sure if it's valid to compare figuring out the layout to a city to having complete responsibility for the life of another human being that you love with every fiber of your being, yet is unbelievably vulnerable and nearly always in danger.
DeleteDid you ever see the Family Guy where Brian finds out he has a son? I really love the scene where he's in a bar with the guys and he starts in with the "When you have a child...when you HAVE. A. CHILD."
ReplyDeleteI think Joe tells Peter "your dog is giving me diabetes."
Fantastic episode.
I love Family Guy. My favorite moment was that five minute rant where Quagmire tells Brian why he hates him.
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