When I was in residency, it seemed like every day was a chance to talk smack about other people. Any time I'd get in a private space with another resident, we'd immediately go at it: what residents were slackers, what attendings were assholes, what med students were annoying and we hoped they wouldn't match here.
And then in fellowship, it was even worse. There were three other fellows, and sometimes I would just waste an entire afternoon with each of them coming into my office one by one to diss on everyone else. (I had a great education.)
When I got to the real world of work, I told myself I would not do that anymore. It's one thing to gossip when you're still a trainee, but I felt that it was unprofessional to do so as an attending.
And you know what? I have stuck to that. I make a point to never, ever say anything negative about my coworkers behind their backs.
That said, sometimes people will say negative things to me about coworkers. My response is generally to say one sentence to defend them, then if that doesn't work, just nod my head politely. For example, I had the following conversation:
Attending: "The Dr. Smith is so lazy. I asked him to see this patient and he said that he was off duty. But it's only 4 o'clock!"
Me: "Well, maybe he had to leave to pick up his kids on time."
Attending: "That is such bullshit! I have kids too and I'm still here!"
Me: [nods politely]
I really, really hate the idea of saying anything negative about a coworker. I haven't done it in so long, the idea just sits badly with me. But you know what bothers me most about it? There are a few people who are always insulting coworkers to me, and I just KNOW that they must be insulting me to others. Because why would I be the exception? I'm not that great.
Thats exactly how I feel. As surprised as I am when people say so many negative things about so many coworkers, I wonder what they say about me behind my back. Many times I even feel negative commments are unfair to say about those particular people. I wonder if people went their own stress that way.
ReplyDeleteI'm only in Med3, but I have the same difficulty. When we (classmates) get together, I think it starts out as venting, but then devolves into gossip pretty quickly if we're not careful. I don't know what it is about med school, but I haven't had this kind of temptation to talk about people since... high school. Glad to hear I'm not the only one who is trying to not do it, and thanks for sharing how you handle the situation. :)
ReplyDeleteI think it's really hard not to gossip in med school, though I applaud you for trying. I mean, everyone is working to death and it's such a small group.
DeleteHigh stress, gobs of time together, and a (relatively) small group: that'll do it. I know that a lot of negative gossiping occurred in research as well, and the "environmental conditions" were similar. It's unhealthy in that it can permeate and amplify negativity (and it also keeps people from being up-front and dealing directly if they have a problem with someone), but if it helps people to vent and blow off some steam, meh.
DeleteIs it true, is it kind, is it necessary?
ReplyDeleteLove how your example involves someone who might have had to leave early to pick up their kids. I sense a theme in your postings and am waiting for the negative comments :)
ReplyDeleteI doubt that was really the reason he left early.
DeleteI was out with some friends last week for brunch, and at the end of it I asked, "So, what's the dirty gossip?" just as a conversation starter. What I really meant (and explained) was that I wanted to know how my other classmates were doing since I never see them, what with the kid and all. You know, basic stuff, "X is going into peds, Y had a kid," nothing too lascivious.
ReplyDeleteThey got soooo self righteous! "Ohhhh we would NEVER gossip." Such BS. They are the worst gossipers I know.
I really like your goal here. After a while in the work world, it has really seemed to me that boundaries are better drawn by not gossiping; although, there must be a small caveat made for actually wondering how other people are doing, which, IMO is not gossip. I happen to be sincerely interested in people and socially outgoing, so I always want to know what they are up to, but after a certain point it does make things worse rather than better.
ReplyDeleteWell, it's fine talking about who got married or had a baby. I'm only talking about *mean* gossip or just insulting anyone you know behind their back.
DeleteIf they insult you. Just tell him words that he doesn't expect and leave. I love that idea. Never talk bad at the back of your co workers. Unprofessional. Really. It will not do good to you also. It is a waste of time.
ReplyDeleteu're talking smack right now about other people saying that they talk smack
ReplyDeleteHa. I think it only counts if it's about an individual and somebody who actually knows that individual.
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