Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Dr. Orthochick: Sexy Time

My patient yesterday was really starting to make me uncomfortable. And we spent a significant amount of quality time together because I had to do a dressing change on him and pretty much the exact second I finished it, the attending walked in and undid everything to look at the wound and then told me to re-dress it. (He also neglected to say "please" or "thank you.")

Patient: You are such a cutie.

Me: Uh, thanks

Patient: No, I mean it. I always wanted to marry a beautiful young girl like you.

Me: Bend your elbow a little more.

Patient: So I'm getting discharged today, right?

Me: Yup

Patient: I don't think I have a ride home

Me: I'll talk to social work about it.

patient: Why don't you just give me a ride home?

Me: Because I have to stay at work for a while longer

Patient: I'll wait for you. And if it's easier, we can go back to your place and I can just stay there for a while.

Me: I don't think that's going to work out too well.

Patient: Why not? I can keep you up all night if you want.

Me: Straighten out your fingers.

Patient: So why can't I go home with you? I'm really trying to court you, in case you haven't noticed.

Me: OK, one more layer of ace wrap and then we're done

Patient: I just want to live with you. We don't have to have sex right away if you don't want. But I bet you haven't had really good sex for a while.

Me: OK, don't get the bandage wet. See you later.

Patient: So we're not going to have sex at your place? Do you want to have sex here?

Me: Have a good afternoon.

I was telling a male resident friend about this and he said he was jealous because his patients never seemed to want to have sex with him. I told him if he wanted my married hepatitis-C positive unemployed heroin addict without teeth and status-post flesh-eating bacteria infection, he was more than welcome to him.

As for me, I really think I can do a little bit better.


  1. Had that happen to me too, but actually as a med student.

    One guy got a lecture from my male resident: 'Listen, buddy, you can call her 'Doctor' and if you're going to be disrespectful I will have you removed from the ED'. That was after I informed the patient that he could dream on.

    Funniest was the young guy at neuro who had a loss of sensibility near the groin area, but really tried to chat me up. He was also very keen to undress and sat there (luckily in underwear...) displaying himself. I ignored it, but decided to have my supervisor do the physical. She didn't mind after I told her the story, and was extra grouchy towards him.

  2. well aren't you snobby

  3. What bothers me is how patients are allowed to sexually harass female physicians like this and get away with it....

  4. yep, had a guy ask for my number right after swabbing his urethra for std's... ick.

  5. You missed quite a catch there, didn't you?

    I once had a 300lb guy in a wheel chair ask me to marry him in the middle of a grocery store. I informed him I was already married-he said he didn't mind.

  6. So what's the best way for me to tell a coworker that she looks great?