Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Dr. Orthochick: Code M

I admitted a guy the other day with a hip fracture who had a really serious traumatic brain injury. He could talk, but we weren't really talking to each other and I don't think he really understood much of what I was asking him.

Anyway, the following morning I went in to see him before surgery and he was lying in bed masturbating. He had a Foley in but somehow he still managed to have an erection and was really going at it. He didn't even stop when I walked in, although he did glance at me.

Me: [turns red] Uh, I can come back
Patient: Hi!
Me: How's your, uh, hip?
Patient: It hurts
Me: Uh, that's why we're going to fix it.

I scurried out of the room like a dung beetle. I mean, I get that it's not the guy's fault that he didn't realize that it's a little inappropriate to lie in your hospital bed masturbating in front of the resident, but that didn't mean it didn't make me a tad uncomfortable. Also, if you masturbate with a Foley in, where does the semen go to, exactly? I mean, the tube's in the bladder, not the seminal vesicles, so I can't imagine sperm are going to start swimming out the Foley and into the leg bag, but do they get clogged? Do I have to worry that he has that thing that guys with vasectomies get where they have a clot of semen that hardens and then you form an inflammatory response to it? (pretty sure I read about that somewhere, presumably in the anti-vasectomy literature) I don't want to start having to fish crap out of his urethra here.

Also, you'd think whacking off with a tube coming out of your schlong would be really uncomfortable. Maybe it's just because I've never had to have anything snaked up myself, but I can think of few things in life that are less sexy. I'm not usually feeling it with the airplane bathroom since there's not enough room for one person and you're constantly at risk of getting sucked into the toilet, but given the choice, I'd go for airplane bathroom over Foley catheter. Hell, I think I'd go for port-a-potty nookie over Foley nookie.


  1. "Where does the semen go when you masturbate with a foley?"

    See, this is why medicine is going downhill. Nobody cares about research to answer such critical questions. You should have stayed in the room and made notes on your observations. Perhaps taken a phone video. Then applied for a grant to do further research and get it published.

    But instead, you just walked out the room, leaving the world without an answer to a commonly asked question.

  2. Wow..... That's kinda scary. He didn't even feel ashamed of himself. But, as a resident, don't you see that kind of stuff all the time? People are crazy.

    1. I'm a resident and don't see this sort of thing all the time. His brain injury probably involved the frontal lobes (at least).

  3. Men are animals driven by base instincts.


  4. Given that the Foley goes all the way up to his bladder while semen enters the urethra further down tree urinary tract, it probably won't enter the Foley at all. More likely to ooze out along the side. To which I say: ew. And ouch.

  5. Since the internal sphincter is also open, ejaculate could pass into the bladder and get drained by the foleys too. However it is more likely it drains along the side and exits the external meatus. As Dr grumpy rightly said, further research is mandatory.

  6. As a woman, I couldn't imagine doing it either, and our urethras are not involved the way mens are. I had one after my hysterectomy and I was begging them to take it out a it was very uncomfortable. They said "you're not supposed to feel it" and to that I said "bullshit".