Primary Care Complaints

I had a young patient in primary care clinic who ALMOST made me laugh out loud at him. Like I was just barely holding it in. He came to me with a list of complaints:

1) He wanted to know where to buy jujubes

2) He had toe fungus (OK, reasonable)

3) Every time he turned on his computer, he felt tired all over his body. Maybe the electricity is causing it? (his suggestion)

4) He can't hear very well out of one ear. He'd like me to refer him to a surgeon who can operate to "replace his nerves"

5) He thinks that he swallowed a piece of metal somehow. "Like a staple, only bigger". He doesn't remember doing it, but he's pretty sure he did because now his stomach feels strange (not painful, just strange) and he thinks the metal is lodged in his stomach. Also, he thinks he might have organ failure in his stomach. He wanted to know if someone punches him in the stomach and it doesn't hurt, if that means he has organ failure.

Me: "Uh, are you saying that someone punched you in the stomach and it didn't hurt?"

Him: "No, I just want to know if someone punched me in the stomach and I have organ failure, it would hurt."

Me: "Um... it will hurt. Don't punch yourself in the stomach, okay?"

At this point, I was beginning to feel like I was being punk'd or something. I was like, is this guy for real? I thought any moment the hidden cameras were going to come out. Then he came up with this one:

6) He went to the bathroom and wiped himself with some newspaper (god knows why). He's afraid the newspaper might have had diseases on it. He'd like to be tested for any chlamydia, gonorrhea, or HIV that he might have gotten from the newspaper. Also, he doesn't want to have the test here. He'd like us to give him a kit to test himself for chlamydia, gonorrhea, and HIV in the comfort of his own home.

I couldn't even present this patient to my attending without cracking up.