Saturday, May 31, 2014

Weekly Whine: Prince Hans

Warning: Contains spoilers for movie Frozen

I've seen frozen at least a million times, the consequence of having two little girls. And every time, I am bothered by the twist that Prince Hans turned out to be evil.

First of all, at the beginning of the movie, there is a shot of Hans looking quite smitten with Anna soon after they meet. Even when she isn't looking at him. Hans helps everyone they giving out free blankets and providing soup. Then he shows his bravery by fighting a giant snow monster. And lastly, he saves Elsa's life. If he had really been evil, it would've been in his best interest for her to be killed.

And then for no particular reason, he turns out to be evil and underhanded the whole time. I don't buy it.

You know Anna has to fall in love with Christophe, because the grumpy guy is always the most attractive. But why couldn't we have an Enchanted ending, where Hans gets paired off with Elsa or something?

Friday, May 30, 2014

Guest Post: Miss Perky Butt

We all know Miss Perky Butt. She could be anyone - secretary, IT, another partner, a lab tech. She's ubiquitous. She's just plain annoying. A dominatrix without consciousness.

My partner ran into Miss Perky Butt the other day. She is from a different culture. She's white, she's black, she's European, she's from the Fiji Islands. It doesn't matter.

"Hello Miss Perky Butt."

"Oh hello Dr. So and So."

She got it wrong. She called him the other tall bald doctor's name. The one that was over twenty years older than the one she was talking to.

"No, I'm not Dr. So and So. I'm Dr. What the Fuck. But I guess we all look alike, don't we?"

She missed it. It flew right over her dominatrix head. She didn't care that she got it wrong. She smiled pleasantly and walked on, probably plotting to conquer her next world.

You go, Miss Perky Butt.

Contributed by Gizabeth of Methodical Madness

Thursday, May 29, 2014

Guest Post: Haikus and Limericks

1. Absurd GERD

Poor Ms. Diane suffered from GERD
When an interesting thought occurred
"Protonix I hate"
"My home Nexium is great"
So I changed her to what she preferred

2. A Haiku for a Healthy BM

I'm told you can't poop
Here is some Colace to help
I will pray for you

3. Dream Time

There once was a woman from Millville
Who kept on requesting a sleeping pill
Ambien and Xanax I denied
Continuosly she cried
Until I caved and prescribed her a Benadryl

4. Restraints Haiku

I went to step-down
Patient already restrained
I will sign orders

5. Acidity Haiku

She had a GERD flare
Already has Protonix
Let us try some Tums

Contributed by Dr. H

Wednesday, May 28, 2014


Recently, our housing complex informed us of a very hefty rent increase for our next lease.

I'm trying to decide how outraged I should be. What is a reasonable percentage for a rent increase? What is the threshold for outrage?

Tuesday, May 27, 2014

Dr. Orthochick: Gordie

Me: Dunno, I think the most famous person I ever met was the dude who put in George Foreman's floor. And I put a foley catheter in the former head of the [city] branch of the CIA.

Friend: I once met Gordie Howe.

OK everyone, who knows who Gordie Howe is from something other than the Simpsons episode?


Monday, May 26, 2014


Recently we had a patient admitted after a multi-trauma. Among the patient's many diagnoses was the diagnosis "right lamina propria fracture".

If you know what the lamina propria is, you'd realize this makes absolutely no sense.

I looked through all the documentation in the patient's chart and every single thing said "right lamina propria fracture".

Finally, I called the resident who dictated the discharge and I asked her what she meant by that. She recognized that this was not an actual thing that could be fractured, but she still seemed kind of angry that I was questioning her. She said, "I didn't take care of the patient most of time she was in the hospital. I was just copying somebody else's notes."

Well, I guess if you just copied and pasted something that was completely wrong without questioning it, you're not at fault at all.

I finally tracked down the nurse practitioner that was taking care the patient who told me what it really was. Any guesses?

Saturday, May 24, 2014

Weekly Whine: Holiday Weekends

I hate holiday weekends.

It's okay if it's a three-day weekend because then I get a day off (sometimes). But if it's holiday weekend that doesn't involve a day off, that really stinks.

For example, Mother's Day weekend. It meant that going out to a restaurant just for simple meal on Sunday, there were tons of crowds. Basically, the fact that it's a holiday means that everything is super crowded.

Not that we shouldn't appreciate mothers and all, but I just don't like appreciating them by taking them to a crowded restaurant.

Thursday, May 22, 2014


I give my daughter a hard time about her laundry often not making it into the basket, but she isn't always the worst offender:

Is this a safety hazard?

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Dr. Orthochick: Interns....

Me: Uh, don't take this the wrong way, but can I make a suggestion?

Intern: Sure

Me: I think you should delete the note you wrote on Mr. Johnson in room 123 today.

Intern: Why?

Me: Well, you wrote 'no acute overnight events. Tolerating PO. Pain controlled. Pt is improving. Plan: OK to D/C to home tomorrow'

Intern: So?

Me: Uh, yesterday he developed projectile vomiting, I ordered a CT scan that showed he had a massive bowel obstruction, I consulted general surgery and they took him to the OR and did an exploratory laparotomy with bowel resection, he went into atrial fibrillation postoperatively and the Rapid Response Team was called, he was then started on coumadin. We've had 2 nasogastric tubes in him and he keeps on pulling them out. And I ordered a urinalysis yesterday and it was positive so he was started on Levaquin.

Interns, man.

(Although it was the last day of his intern year so I was willing to give him a pass for that one, but starting tomorrow...)

Monday, May 19, 2014

Saturday, May 17, 2014

Weekly Whine: Book orders

I know book orders are supposed to be great and all because reading is great, right? But every time we get a book order from school, I end up being annoyed. Mostly because the book order has a lot of things that aren't books and those are the things that my daughter actually wants. For example:

So basically one is a sparkly drawing book. And the other is a musical instrument that she's going to play badly until I want to scratch out my ears. In any case, neither of them is going to encourage her to do more reading.

And then if I don't order something from the book order, she feels bad when the books come and she doesn't get any. It's a lose lose.

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Guest post: Man vs. Cow

A few days ago, I was looking up the history on a BAL (bronchoalveolar lavage) slide. I pulled up the H&P and saw this:

HPI: 56yoWM s/p trauma (Man vs. Cow) s/p ORIF tib/fib presents with vomiting ? aspiration.

So the orthopod was worried about pneumonia. That was enough info for what I needed to look for in the BAL but I was curious about the trauma so I delved deeper into the chart but no dice. I guessed the surgery was done at an outside hospital.

I was telling one of my partners about it the next day. He too wondered what happened. "What kind of relationship with a cow would invite a tib/fib fracture?" He raised his eyebrows. "That reminds me of the old joke about the cow standing on a cliff with tennis shoes on to maintain traction so he can back up without falling off."

"You will have to tell me that joke later. I don't have time to listen right now."

"That is the joke. If you don't get it, think about it."

I went back to my office and about ten minutes later while I was working I wrapped my brain around the joke. I texted my partner: "Ewww."

He texted back: "That would be if it were a sheep."

Bestiality jokes are ripe for the picking down here in the South.

Contributed by Gizabeth of Methodical Madness

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Dr. Orthochick: Text Messages

10 Text Messages I Received Today From Different People

You gave me a strange look yesterday :-/ wasn't sure what that was about?

Gotta be able to sleep so your hippocampus can consolidate stuff

Apparently stripper girl stalked him last night

I just got done being a retractor monkey

You'll be fine. If something bleeds, zap it.

I quit my job, but nobody knows yet.

They're out there. Out in the woods. Quietly sawing away.

I put one on your car so it didn't look like I was playing favorites to your colleagues

Make sure you have all my paperwork finished before the next case. Then call the insurance company to see if the Xarelto is covered. Call me if it's not.

[Dr. Awesome] agrees with me that there is no way in hell we should touch this chick and she should just go back to the doctor that did the first 20 surgeries on her leg.

(OK, the last one was mine)

Geez. Good thing I have the "unlimited texting" plan, because I'm pretty sure everyone I know is crazy.

Monday, May 12, 2014


I have been seeing this in our charts for weeks under vital signs. Until today I have been totally baffled by what it means. And I am idiot or is this confusing?

Saturday, May 10, 2014

Weekly Whine: Worst Cooks

I’ve been watching TV show lately called worst cooks in America. It’s a really good show and it’s pretty funny. I mean, what funnier than watching people who screw up macaroni and cheese?

The premise of the show is that they take a bunch of really awful cooks and teach them how to cook professionally. It’s fun to watch and I do learn things from it, but considering all of these people mostly just want to learn to cook for themselves and their children, why do they need to learn how to make pizza dough from scratch or pull their own Asian noodles? It’s not practical.

Plus it makes me feel like a really bad cook because I can’t do those things.

Honestly, I feel like they should have more shows that don’t involve cooking things from scratch. Because really, who has time to cook anything from scratch? Just because I sometimes (often) buy chopped vegetables, does that make me one of the worst cooks in America?

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

What's on my belt?

For the last week I've had this device on my belt. I've had the weirdest guesses as to what it actually is. I thought it was pretty obvious but apparently not.

What do you think it is?

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

Dr.Orthochick: Fate

I was seeing a patient in the ER this morning and she seriously would. not. stop. talking. Except she wasn't actually talking about anything pertaining to her hip fracture. She was just talking. Finally I had to say "please stop talking and listen to me for a minute," which is really not the sort of the thing they teach you to do in med school, but desperate situations call for desperate measures.

Patient: So when my daughter was pregnant with my granddaughter, the doctor said my granddaughter didn't have a brain. And the supreme court wanted my daughter to have an abortion! Can you believe that? They would want her to kill my granddaughter!

Me: So, uh, what happened?

Patient: The best thing that could have happened. While my daughter was in labor, my granddaughter died. It was exactly as G-d wanted it and we were so thankful.

...and that was officially the most f*cked up story I heard all day. Which is saying something when your 24-hour time period includes doing a repair of a spaghetti wrist in a 25 year old who claimed to have been on methadone for chronic pain since age 7.

Monday, May 5, 2014

Medical Mystery

My daughter has an assembly at school where they learned about a disease. Unfortunately she cannot tell me what the disease was. The only thing she can recall are:

--this disease is fatal by age 12 or 13

--this disease makes you bald

--they're supposed to collect pennies to contribute to the research for this disease

--she thinks this is a disease that you are born with

--she thinks the disease starts with G

So in summary I have absolutely no idea what disease this is. She says she's bringing home a pamphlet. Any thoughts?

Saturday, May 3, 2014

Weekly Whine: Wait time

My husband recently went to a new doctor and had to wait over 40 minutes for his appointment. This was especially frustrating for him because his car was at a meter. And when he told the doctor that he was in a rush, the doctor just continued to make small talk with him about his work and life, and didn't even really address the problems for which he was seeing the doctor.

Anyway he later emailed the doctor to complain about this. This was the doctors reply:

I wish you the best with your new physician. If you change your mind and wish to return for my care then I will try to give you the best but don't count on my being routinely on time. From the time I first became a physician I have known that to provide the best care to my patients I need to be engaging, persistent and creative. I cannot provide the quality of care my patients expect and which I believe is necessary by becoming a rapid throughput doctor. There are plenty of doctors available who are almost never late. I can guarantee that they are not providing the best care. The vast majority of my patients very much appreciate the extra time I spend with them, including what you described as "chatting." which is really part of engaging. Often they bring their laptops, their work, their books and their music CDs with them. Or, they reserve the first visit of one of my sessions when I am most likely to be on time.


Friday, May 2, 2014


Believe it or not The Devil Wears Scrubs is a finalist in a novel writing contest! Doesn't that sound like something you'd like to read?

Thursday, May 1, 2014