Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Dr. Orthochick: Pampered

I did a bedside I&D of a patient's hand in the ER the other night. It really wasn't a big deal, I made an incision and rinsed everything out, then stuck a dressing on it. The whole thing took less than ten minutes but holy hell, the patient screamed. She started screaming before i touched her so I really wasn't in a huge hurry to continue with that, but she said she just wanted to get it over with so I did. She thrashed around like a jellyfish having a seizure. And that was just when I numbed her up.

Her: I can feel you slicing into me!
Me: I'm not touching you right now.

I finally got it done and the patient was either having an orgasm or Kussmaul respirations, either way, she as putting on quite the show. So the doting boyfriend asked if he could talk to me in private for a second, I figured he was going to ask about pain meds but I stepped outside the room with him.

Him: So now that this has happened to [patient], do you think I should pamper her a little?
Me: Sure, that's never a bad idea.
Him: Should I treat her really nice?
Me: I guess it wouldn't hurt.

He then walked into the room and yelled "HONEY! GUESS WHAT? WE'RE HAVING TV DINNERS TONIGHT!"

The two of them then started making out and I tactfully slipped out of the room.