I was just thinking about the squallor I used to live in when I was a kid. My parents were divorced and my mom always felt like she didn't have any money, so she spent money very sparingly. I always joke about it, because it's not like we were poor and starving or anything, but it was just sort of funny that our apartment was always such a mess.
Like for example, we had the same ratty couch from before I was born up until I was about 14 years old. I don't know what the average lifespan of a couch is, but I know for a fact that I peed on this couch as a baby, plus the backrest was so worn down that the springs were protruding a little bit through the fabric.
Or the chair situation. We had about three chairs in our whole apartment, which might not have been so bad if two of those chairs weren't broken. They had this mesh that was supposed to serve as the seat, but they were so old that the mesh had worn out and there were just holes where the seats should have been. This might have been a good time to buy some new chairs for $10 each or whatever, but instead my mom just put a cushion over the hole and acted like it was fixed.
We had two bookcases that came directly from the garbage room.
Our TV stand was held together with duck tape.
All of the handles had fallen off the dresser with my clothes in it. I kept one of the broken handles on top of the dresser and I'd have to latch it into the holes where the handle had been in order to get my clothes out in the morning.
Our refrigerator was set weird so that it needed to be defrosted like every week. If we didn't defrost it, large icicles would start to form in the freezer.
I think the most amusing thing was the paint situation. Because we hadn't had the place painted in a long time and our last paint job was shitty, there were large areas on the ceiling and wall where the paint was chipping away. Sometimes I'd stare at the ceiling and find shapes in the chipped-away paint (like with clouds). Sometimes a piece of paint would fall on me from the ceiling. Finally, my mom realized this was getting out of hand and she got someone to plaster over the holes in the ceiling. But for some reason I don't understand, the person who plastered the ceiling used pink plaster. So now our ceiling and walls were covered with large pink spots. And it was like that for YEARS.
These same principles applied to the food I ate and the clothes I wore. This is why I have absolutely no concepts about name brands and no appreciate for nice, expensive things. And even though most of my current furniture is from Target, you can see what a huge improvement it is over the way I used to live.
Fizzy, I feel for you. As a kid I had friends who came from limited financial means. but their places were always very neat, cleaner than my appartment. Because they lived in tight spaces, they and their families were more organized, and their modest places were always so clean. I learned from my firends to clean my appartment. My firends made comments about my place that made me feel bad about the mess. Wow, I hope you are not traumatized by this.
ReplyDeleteReading your post, I'm filled with a sense of sadness. Yes, I understand your pain all too well. At the time my parents divorced, we were the only family on the block to have that distinction. It all felt surreal, but my mother did her best to hold it all together for us. During her last years, I became my mother's caretaker. With the assistance of my sister we were able to keep her at home, in her own bed, versus
ReplyDeletea hospital. On her deathbed, she turned to me and said, " I'm so sorry I lived with
so much fear. I made it harder for you and your sister." Oh Mom, I told her, you
did an outstanding job and have nothing to apologize for.. This was a woman who
worked two jobs to support her family and literally took three buses to work until
she was forty one when she purchased her first car. It had no A/C, no power brakes
and it would stall out if you put on the Defroster and windshield wipers on at the same time, but for us it was luxurious. Thanks to my Mom, my sister graduated medical school and I podiatry school. Without a doubt, my mother was the greatest person I've ever known and I miss her dearly. - Paul
@Paul & fizzy : thanks for sharing. My mom was an immigrant who raised me w.o my dad and worked 3 jobs (including some nights and Sundays) to keep us fed, clothed, and sheltered. She also sent money back home. No job was beneath her even as a college graduate. We were poor so I didn't have expensive things or get to go on ski trips but I always had more than I needed thanks to my mom. She rented disgusting cockroach-infested apartments and turned them into clean, comfortable places -- something I doubt I could do myself. She eventually saved enough for a condo while making 35k/year and fixed it up to be really nice for us. To this day I have little concept of and no concern about status symbols and no job is beneath me. I thank my mom for that.
Delete@ PGYX: Your mom was a remarkable woman, and I'm certain she must be
Deletevery proud of you. Like Dr. Fizzy, you have overcome much in your life, and
in spite of much hardship are still good, decent people. You are truly blessed with a wonderful heart and a loving way about you. - Paul
Thanks, Paul. I actually think I haven't overcome much as my mom did all the work. She's a lot stronger than I've ever had to be and I hope I could rise to the occasion if necessary. I regret (and feel embarrassed) that as a teenager I sometimes exhibited truly spoiled, entitled behavior -- even though I had a job and wasn't as spoiled with material items as some kids. Not sure how a parent can prevent that but if you have the answer please share! I'd like to think I'm a better person now, but there were some rough teenage years for my poor mom (who claims to have no memory of this!).
DeleteYou and your Mum rock. Thank you for sharing your story. ♡
Delete@PGYx: I'm almost certain that you weren't spoiled and entitled. Just so you know, I used to throw temper tantrums. My Mom would wait until I was finished and then would sit down with me and go over my behavior. She had a lot of patience for my outbursts and was very understanding. However, on the occasion I would hurt someone else (i.e. insult someone), she had no patience and no understanding. I can still hear her voice, "You said WHAT?! If it was particularly egregious, she would
Deleteadd, "You didn't really say that, did you? You're kidding, right?" It was
her way of shaming me further. Yes, my mom went through the rough
teenage years with me too. If she was alive today, I imagine she would also claim no memory of it. After all, why rub salt in the wound. - Paul
Correction: I'm certain you weren't spoiled and entitled. Your compassion
Deleteand humility prove my point. - Paul
Thanks Paul, you are really one to give credit! You're a gem. I cringe to recall my own temper tantrums, yikes. And if I had a daughter like my teenage-self I might fantasize about sending her back (tho' be too mortified to tell anyone, ha).
DeleteBut I like your idea to not rub salt in the wound and guess it's *always* better to be happier/better today than to dream of how great things were in the past. I'm prone to coulda/shoulda/woulda thought patterns and am trying to develop new habits in the interest of well being!
What a great story, Paul. When I hear such stories, I admire people who sacrifice so much for their children, because I feel like I would be able to.
ReplyDeleteSounds like you have a lot to be thankful for this holiday. You overcame a lot and have been able to provide an even better life for your kids than your mom was able to do for you. That's really wonderful -- and epitomizes the American dream.
ReplyDeleteHmm. Don't I recall your father is a doctor? Any chance he skimped on the child support. Anyway, I think you came out of it with good values that served you well and good appreciation for your sensible momma.
ReplyDeleteTarget isn't so bad...
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I don't have much to add, except that I much appreciate the return of a Simpsons reference. We know what show you were watching in that apartment at least. "Cheerfully withdrawn"?
I laughed at the couch reference because it struck pretty close to home. My dad still has the same couch we got when I was about 5 years old, which makes it roughly 35 years old. He won't spend money on anything.
ReplyDeleteI can't believe it is still in (roughly) one piece. But I refuse to sit on it when I go to visit him, because it has 35 years of dirt in it.......
Now I've been happy lately, thinking about the good things to come
ReplyDeleteAnd I believe it could be, something good has begun
Oh I've been smiling lately, dreaming about the world as one
And I believe it could be, some day it's going to come
Cause out on the edge of darkness, there rides a peace train
Oh peace train take this country, come take me home again
Now I've been smiling lately, thinking about the good things to come
And I believe it could be, something good has begun
Oh peace train sounding louder
Glide on the peace train
Come on now peace train
Yes, peace train holy roller
Everyone jump upon the peace train
Come on now peace train
Get your bags together, go bring your good friends too
Cause it's getting nearer, it soon will be with you
Maybe we'll get there someday, Peace. It's a journey for each of us.
DeleteNo, there's nothing wrong with Target, but it's not the first name that comes to my mind when buying furniture. I know women like pretty things when "building their nest." My sense of it is that when you've grown up without, as in Dr. Fizzy's case, it feels extravagant to buy from a furniture store. Yes, she may be able to afford it , but you're scarred from your past. I know it's not a tragedy, but I can't help but feel sad
Deleteabout it all. - Paul
Thank you for this post. I've read all posts on your blog and it always seemed to me like something wasn't quite adding up between your position as a doctor and some of your "weekly whines". But this post put things in perspective! And reminded me to never make assumptions about other people.
ReplyDeleteI was raised in multiple mold and pest-ridden hell holes often without enough food to eat... no medical care, no vaccines, unschooled, sixteen rememberable years of CSA and other terrors. No treatment for asthma attacks and the multiple rounds of pna and bronchitis I endured. I wound up growing into someone who highly values luxury, comfort, security, and style. It's interesting to me that people who grow up without seem to either become quite hedonistic/materialistic and others swing in the opposite way. Thank you for sharing your memories, Fizzy - you're giving this future NP hope. ♡
ReplyDeleteMy husband grew up poor and has had the same reaction (highly values luxury and style). We both value security but I believe he is more confident that one can truly achieve it. I'm glad to hear you pursued education and are on track to reach your career goals.
DeleteI think living with well-loved items builds character. In my house, we had a fridge so old that the belt kept slipping. Made a sound like aliens descending. Our tv, which didn't have a remote, had a mechanical switch to turn it off in the back. My dad writes it in when the on/off button broke one day while the tv was on. And occasionally the washing machine spit screws and other parts into the tub... But it kept on washing.
ReplyDeleteIt's easy to buy new stuff all the time... Assuming you have money. It takes creativity and ingenuity to figure out how to keep stuff running. I don't think kids these days learn that as much as we did.