Thursday, July 26, 2018

Little help?

Inspired by a recent burst of sales of my book Brain Damage, I decided to write something new. 

My newest book is a departure from my others in that the protagonist is not a doctor.  It's my first book that is a straight-up women's thriller.  The title is The Surrogate Mother.

The last time I published, I asked for help with beta reading and got some pretty good opinions. (It's already gone through four people.) So I'm asking for help once again!  Anybody interested in reading a thriller written by yours truly and offering a constructive opinion???

You must.....

--Actually want to do it.  Please don't do it out of obligation or because you feel sorry for me.

--Have read and enjoyed at least one of my other books.  The one beta reader I got last time who hadn't read anything by me got halfway through and quit.

--Be able to read it in under one week.  And after reading it, be able to email me your opinions in a coherent way.  And not vanish instantly when I ask a follow-up question.  (If these things hadn't happened to me repeatedly, I wouldn't say them.)

--Enjoy thrillers.

Here is the prologue, so you can see what you're getting into:

I have been informed that in the next twenty-four hours, I will be arrested for first-degree murder.

I don’t know how this could be happening.  First-degree murder.  I mean, that’s crazy.  I’m not the kind of person who goes to jail for murder.  I’m not.  I’ve never even gotten a speeding ticket.  Hell, I’ve never even jaywalked before.  I’m the most law-abiding citizen who ever was.

Wednesday, July 25, 2018

Row row row your boat

We rented a rowboat a few days ago to row around a local lake.  Apparently, it was a popular idea because there were a ton of other people around in rented boats.  And I noticed something all the boats had in common:

In any boat where there was a man in the boat, the man was the one rowing.

This was true without exception.  The only boats where a woman was rowing were the all-female boats.  And then it occurred to me that I've been in these boats a lot of times, but I'm not sure I've ever rowed one.  

So I guess I'm the problem, not the solution?

Thursday, July 12, 2018


My mother: "How long do you cook spaghetti after the water comes to a boil?"

Me: [baffled that my 70-year-old mother doesn't know how to make spaghetti]

Mom: "Well, I never make spaghetti!"

If it were someone else, I would worry they were getting demented, but it's actually the kind of question my mother asks me not infrequently.  Like she's never sure how to calculate the tip in restaurants.  And she didn't know what a pinata was.

I finally told her to look at the box, which said 10 minutes, but she insisted that wasn't usually that long.  Although I don't understand how it can "usually" not be that long if she "never" cooks spaghetti.  I asked and she said:

"I cooked it once a long time ago."

I can just see my kids writing stuff like this about me someday.  They already gave me a hard time for not knowing which produce qualifies as fruits.  (How could a zucchini be a fruit????)

Tuesday, July 10, 2018

The Mosquito Bite

I don't know what it is, but it feels like as I've gotten older, mosquito bites have been getting itchier.

Last week, I got a mosquito bite on my elbow.  It immediately started driving me totally insane.  I read somewhere that toothpaste helps with the itchiness, so I smeared that all over it, which everyone in my household informed me was "really weird."  Then I used witch hazel pads to ease the itch.  I was bad enough that it was waking me up at night.

My husband: "Why don't you just use calamine lotion?"

Me: "We don't have any in the house."

Actually though, it turned out we had TWO bottles of it, which I've been using religiously ever since.  It's a lot less messy than toothpaste.  I also tried liquid bandaid, which burned so much, I had to wash it off immediately.

I have to say, I think the elbow must be one of the worst places to get a mosquito bite.  After the penis, I suppose.