Me: "Hi, this is Dr. McFizz calling from My Hospital about a mutual patient RareFirstName RareLastName. I have a question about the patient."
Receptionist: "Okay, can you spell his name?"
Me: [spells name and gives date of birth]
Receptionist: "And can you give me his home address?"
Me: "No, I don't have that."
Receptionist: "Well, we need it to make sure we have the right patient."
Me: "You mean there's another 81-year-old man in your system named RareFirstName RareLastName?"
Receptionist: "We need it for security."
Me: "Fine." [I find a computer, log in, get the address, and read it to her.]
Receptionist: "And can you verify his phone number?"
Me: [reads off phone number]
Receptionist: "And can you verify his insurance?"
Me: "No. I will not. This is ridiculous. I have never once had to give this information to speak with a doctor's office to get medical information. I just need to know how long your office would like him be on Lovenox for."
Receptionist: "Well, that's a pill, right? I don't see anything about it here, so he should continue it till his appointment."
Me: "Lovenox is an injection."
Receptionist: "Well, it doesn't mention anything about it here. So I'd say continue it until his appointment next month."
Me: "So you're saying he needs to inject himself with a blood thinner every day for the next month because you can't be bothered to ask anyone about it."
Receptionist: "Ummm.... let me get you his nurse."
OMG, I try not to yell at people on the phone, but seriously, if you don't know the answer to a medical question, don't just make something up!